Reflecting in the Mirror

“The historical sense involves a perception, not only of the pastness of the past, but of its presence… Whoever has approved this idea of oder… will not find it preposterous that the past should be altered by the present as much as the present is directed by the past.” -T.S. Eliot

“It is eighteen hundred years and more since Jesus Christ walked here on earth. But this is not an event like other events which, only when they are bygone, pass over into history, and then as events long bygone, pass over into forgetfulness. No, His presence here on earth never becomes a bygone event, and never becomes more and more bygone – in case faith is to be found on earth. And if not, then indeed at that very instant it is a long, long time since He lived. But so long as there is a believer, such a one must, in order to become such, have been, and as a believer must continue to be, just as contemporary with His presence on earth as were those [first] contemporaries.” -Soren Kierkegaard

Look at the stars . . . Some of them have been extinguished for thousands of years, but their light is only reaching us now. The past is always influencing the present. I can’t change that. All I can do is try to understand it.

If you were me, would I understand you?

“Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.”

 

Vengeance

 

The end of an espousal…

Suffering is part of life. All around and within, my eyes see suffering. Poetry of countless ages speak of the griefs and scorns that man is heir to experience upon this earth. These wounds are both temporary and eternal. There will come a time though that we will look upon our wounds and they will no longer hurt. Until that day, the pains of our past, the miseries of our present, and the grief of what lies ahead is ours to bear…but not alone. The sadness comes not in the wounds and the suffering but in the myth that these sufferings are ours alone. This is an awful deceit and one that poisons man to his innermost core. We cannot explain why we must suffer and so we inevitably continue to ask, “Why?” but as Tim Keller says, “It can’t be that he doesn’t love us.” I quote Aeschylus often but I’ve come to find comfort in these words that assuage my feelings of anger and injustice when I look upon my own pain or the suffering of others, whether they be innocent or whether they be quilty. “In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.” Words are meaningful, presence is meaningful, and hope utmost is meaningful. “When power narrows the area of a man’s heart,” says Christofferson, “poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. Where power corrupts – poetry cleanses.” There is a richness hidden in the human heart that points towards something greater and cleanses him of the suffering and evil. The famous question, “Is everything sad going to come untrue?” The answer is yes and for as much as one suffers, the equalizing glory of all things made new will be exponentially greater in the new creation. I believe this begins with the power of words that only a heart can begin to sense. I’ve seen it in children most often but the same holds true no matter the heart’s age.

As I look back there are wounds that time cannot mend. My heart has deep hurts but that story is mine to share…my suffering indeed is a blessing for others. If only I will look upon it as so. My wounds are very little. My cuts go only skin deep. Yet there are those out there who have wounds and scars that define them now. I feel that pain as much as I can. Truth in that feeling is harsh and it wounds us all. No man is an island. And where one man suffers, the ripples of that suffering will in time wound us all. However, just as one man suffering brings forth a common thread, so one man’s suffering can over turn the suffering that is due for all time. For he is meant to suffer all that we are meant to suffer. He will know infinitely more suffering than our eternal suffering could even hint at. For indeed, even as a child thinks his suffering is the worst of all time, he learns in time that his suffering was very little. So we are, in the course of our lives, only children – by the awful Grace of God we shall never know more than a child suffers should we choose to let another take our place.

Where does that leave us…I’m haunted by the words in this video. I realize that suffering can breed more suffering. I realize that suffering can twist a heart into a deformed state of anger, and violence, and hatred. I realize that some wounds will forever make their mark. Yet, I also realize that amidst all this pain is a hope. That a lightness shines in the darkness and the darkness has not understood it. When I first heard these words about wounds that go too deep I fell into despair. However, I realized the glory as time passed. These wounds do take hold, they mark us. The marking though is up for us to decide. We all must decide how we shall be marked, which banner we will have over us, how we will live our lives. And so, as I am marked by wounds that go so deep and have taken hold…wounds that show me children beaten and enslaved, cold blood violence, even the smallest pain of losing a loved one who shares not the same love for me, I am reminded that I am marked. These wounds will forever shape my heart and my destiny. They for all time become my story. That story is one in which I choose how I am shaped – towards anger and a deformed soul or towards brokeness and a hope. A hope that my wounds can touch others. That my wounds will remind me of a hope in which the question, “Is everything sad going to come untrue?” is yes. Wounds that will go so deep that I will forever love others and the one who took suffering so that my suffering will be made good and will in time be but a dim light in the ever passing glory that is to come in the time without end. Perhaps it is indeed a fool’s hope. It is my hope. It is your hope. It is our hope. It is our choice.

“They say of some temporal suffering, ‘No future bliss can make up for it,’ not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory.” -C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

 

The life untamed

Words are an injustice to my friend. How do you begin to use words to describe a life like Emma’s? What phrase or term could relate the complexities, sacrifices, and love that surrounds her? Often, when taking pictures I run up against this dilemna. My camera is limited to such a small scope. The shot not only exceeds vastly up, down, left, and right but in terms of color and depth. Senses such as smell and memories or emotions are all lost. Capturing the sacred in a picture is much like capturing my friend in simple words, only those who have been there and know can even begin to relate. Hers is the life untamed. Hers is beyond the box so many of us find ourselves within. Even being around her I began to quickly realize that her passion and ability to live is life giving. The irony is in this life. The same life so many of us admire is the same life we quickly desire to hide, to box, to destroy for a host of reasons. But, Emma, her’s is the life untamed. Boxes and ideas do not encompass her and I thank my friend for a day trip to New York. Though she things I went out of my way to see her… I would gladly do it again, and again, and again! I’m thankful that God has blessed my life with knowing a life like hers. Inspiration, unique, stunning – these words begin to show you a snapshot…but the best they can do is help you see through a foggy mirror to the beauty that is beyond. I’ll miss you unitl we meet again! We left each other in the snowy rain, you back to your place and me on the bus…though we walked away, alone, you will never be alone. You will always be in my prayers.

“The neons too bright, The world’s too fast, The cities at night, And the stores behind glass, The streets in the rain, And the field back home, They’re never the same, So now I’m alone.”

 

“My name is Dalton Russell. Pay strict attention to what I say because I choose my words carefully and I never repeat myself. I’ve told you my name: that’s the Who. The Where could most readily be described as a prison cell. But there’s a vast difference between being stuck in a tiny cell and being in prison. The What is easy: recently I planned and set in motion events to execute the perfect bank robbery. That’s also the When. As for the Why: beyond the obvious financial motivation, it’s exceedingly simple… because I can. Which leaves us only with the How; and therein, as the Bard would tell us, lies the rub. “

Movies are the ultimate story of our day. Movies are the background of my work time as well as a story. Above is a line from one of my favorite Sunday afternoon movies. Clive Owens plays this role brialliantly. Any villain must play a duo character (heroes get off a bit easier in this respect), they must be likeable and detestable both. I love to hate and I love to love this character, how can you not? Because you haven’t seen it that’s how! Near the end of the movie he makes a profound statement. The character says, “I’m no martyr. I did it for the money. But it’s not worth much if you can’t face yourself in the mirror. Respect is the ultimate currency. I was stealing from a man who traded his away for a few dollars. And then he tried to wash away his guilt. Drown it in a lifetime of good deeds and a sea of respectability. It almost worked, too. But inevitably, the further you run from your sins, the more exhausted you are when they catch up to you. And they do. Certain. It will not fail.” There’s a small phrase tucked in there that gives pause, “Respect is the ultimate currency.” Sadly, it seems this remains a currency but a hidden one. Many of the students I teach have little account for this currency because it’s not openly exchanged. Do you see much respecct when you watch televsion, listen to music, watch your favorite sports star drop dope? Probably not. Neither do my students. However, this lack of exchange doesn’t mean it’s not the ultimate currency. In fact, it is a currency, one of the most important. You either realize this now or you realize it later – either way, you’ll realize it. But, in the lack of respect it’s important to remember the currency of the Kingdom is grace, grace ever flowing.

 

Kuler Designs

What matters to one doesn’t always matter to another. But, this late morning/early afternoon I am continuing to love a website that I fell in love with quite a while ago! I highly recommend Kuler if you’re looking for solid, no pun intended, color themes. There’s nothing better than having a week off from work to … sadly get work done … finish some personal art, listen to quality music, take in some awesome sun, and basically live it up!

p.s. Honda will accept my warranty request – if I wasn’t over the mileage by 2,905 miles. “Well, Dang!” Word now from the wise, keep up to date on warranty information. Thank you Honda for hiding that as best you could.

 

Ideals and Hopes

“He gives his harness bells a shake to ask if there’s some mistake. The only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake. The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.”

The most painstaking part of the product lies in the finale and in the knowledge of what might have been. What strikes the heart is not what the viewer sees but what the artist might have saw. Not the dancing melodies in our ears but the melodies that might have been written. The pain for the artist is not in the final product but in all the possibilities that were sacrificed along the way…the sacrifices that will never be understood or known.

Rarely are we confronted with right or wrong. Rarely do we confront the entire story. Rarely will we know all that might have been should we see it all. And thus, our choices linger not between right and wrong but between best or better and worse or worst. Rarely is there a right and rarely is there a wrong. Therefore wisdom and ideals matter. Confronted with the understanding of limitless possibilities of best and worst for our time, context, people – we must hold true to the best of ideals, the best of human passion, the best of the soft voice inside us unless we have a more sure word from God.

How can one hold fast to the “belief that idealism, high aspiration and deep convictions are not incompatible with the most practical and efficient of programs — that there is no basic inconsistency between ideals and realistic possibilities — no separation between the deepest desires of heart and of mind and the rational application of human effort to human problems?”

As an artist it is the process, the endeavor, that is most moving and most difficult. For in that endeavor I am pressed up against the reality that holding fast to passion and ideals takes great courage and sacrifice. We will always be left with what might have been….therefore let us grasp, with wisdom from God, what is best for this time, this context, this people. And let us do this with all of our hearts. Even if we are alone in doing so.

“Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh. Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”

 

In time all things breakdown

We’re constantly trying to make things live longer or at least deceive ourselves on the idea of aging. Cosmetics, surgeries, and the list goes on and on and yet most things are created with a definite lifespan. Perhaps things are even created to breakdown and that in integrated into its very life. Maybe we are like that. Yet, everywhere around us things are consistently aging and breaking, being created and born, living and dying. Yet, we fight this both in our physical realities and in our mind. I suppose sometimes its natural to feel this way given our world, but is it healthy?

Last week I looked down to see the check engine light pulsing in my car. Thinking, “Well, dang” I turned around and headed home. As I looked down to shirt I noticed something even more peculiar, suddenly I was no longer limited to the road rules of man! Yes, my speedomter had stopped working and thus no man could claim how fast I was going! Therefore I slammed on the gas and sped around everyone towards home! Okay, well, not really. However, I did think, “Well, dang dang.” Later in the week I tried the car one more time, this time at night, this time to discover the entire electrical system was pulsing. This included my headlights which resembled a police officers lights and I thought, “Well dang, dang, dang!”

Today I took my car to the reliable Hondar House. They’re so honest there and I love ‘em. Turns out it’s not that big of a deal. Just a few wires inside a bracket that need replacing for a mere $150. I can cover that. Sure, fix it I said and went on home to await the dreaded call of… “Oh, we also found…x,y,z.” Find they did. Turns out I’m looking at an entire exhaust system rooted from a cracked manifold. Terrific! I could drive on that and cross my fingers that I pass inspection. The worse news, appears my master clutch cylinder is shot and my clutch might go out at any moment. “Well, dang, dang, dang, dang!” But, I think Sam and I could fix that ourselves.

All this is way under the worst news yet. Worst news yet you ask. Honda’s emissions warrany covers all 96 Civics up to 150k miles to replace all exhaust problems (i.e. my problems) for free. The current mileage on my car? 152k. In July, my mileage was 149k. You can see how often I drive my car. My reaction at finding this out was no longer “Well dang!” Now, it was “Well damn!” or maybe worse. I’m calling Honda tomorrow to beg for mercy and fix all this…in they do, and I can fix the clutch cylinder, my car is in decent shape. If they don’t, well, I can get by without much problem to be honest.

The interesting thing here is not a loss of a car but a moving on from the memories. It wasn’t until I realized how much I loved this little car (my first real car – thank you parents) and how much we’ve been through together. Dates, road trips, hours and hours of stress relieving rides, hands through the sun roof, my first stick, memory after memory. My first real experience in aging and realizing that in time, all things age and there is a season for holding on and letting go. I suppose we shall see but soon enough it will be time to let this first car go. Yet, I’ll always have the memories.

In truth, this thing breaks and I’m gonna teach myself as much about cars as humanly possible – meaning I’m fixing the thing and worst case, there’s a junk yard a mile away and I’ll get my $100 bucks. Thank goodness for Zipcar! One right around the corner! Lovin’ it.

 

“When I think of President Kennedy, I think of what Shakespeare said in Romeo and Juliet…
‘When he shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he shall make the face of heaven so fine That all the world will be in love with night, And pay no worship to the garish sun.’”

When he was finished speaking, he left the hall, sat on a fire escape, and wept.

My students often ask me, “You really admire Robert Kennedy, huh?” My answer usually is simple, “yes, I do.” Of course this is generally followed by the traditional early adolescent reply of “why”? I rarely have a problem answering the straight forward question of why…at least when it’s asked respectively. If not, you’re usually going to get a continued response of “what” or you’ll be completely ignored. The question does arise, why? Everyone has heroes they admire from youth. Our house had the Kennedys. Books lined the shelves. Posters on the wall. VHS tapes in the cabinets. Yes, I said VHS – remember those? My mother had a particular interest in the Kennedys and specifically with Jack. Perhaps this same fascination was within me waiting to be released. Or, maybe it at least planted the seeds. Jack Kennedy, while I can both respect and admire the man…there were aspects of which I could never, and can never, fully connect. The younger brother struck me. A man who’s spirit was both woundable and from that pain, amiable. We no longer value change in politics or even life. The idea of perfection is lifted up above all others. The idea of grace is a great topic for sermons, books, household conversation…yet, talk is all that it remains. We rarely can forgive those who make mistakes, even if they grow from them. Therefore we settle for what we believe is perfect, another self-deception. I cannot connect with that and I refuse to connect with that belief. I choose to cheer and connect with the man who “…even in [his] sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon [his] heart, and in [his] own despair, against [his] will, comes wisdom to [him] by the awful grace of God. To enter suffering, be affected by it, and grow for the betterment of others is not an easy life….however, it’s a life poured out. I cannot connect to that in action but I can connect to it in desire. I long for a heart that is willing to be broken and contrite. Bobby was such a leader. Jack Newfield says it best, “He was not really built for the spotlight, he was built for the wings. He had to fight against a basic shyness, a basic nervousness in public. Many times, I would stand behind the stage and I would see his leg shaking during his speech, or his hands shaking, he wasn’t… a natural but that all had to change when his brother was assassinated. And I think change is the motif of his whole life and career.” As life has moved on, I now share the same fascination as my mother. A fascination with two brothers long gone…with the lives they lived. The respect comes not from the perfection or lack of perfection – but the respect comes from the ability to change, to grow, to admit faults, and the utmost – to live and serve for others. Perhaps, one day, this can truly be said of all of us.

“He really becomes something much larger than what he was when he began. He becomes stronger through suffering.” -Jeff Shesol

 

The Garish Sun

“WE are the music-makers, And we are the dreamers of dreams, Wandering by lone sea-breakers, And sitting by desolate streams; World-losers and world-forsakers, On whom the pale moon gleams: Yet we are the movers and shakers Of the world for ever, it seems.” -O’Shaughnessy

As of late my mind seems to fill with thoughts of all kinds. I’ve found that the value of thinking often only becomes of value when it finds meaning through relationship. As time since college has ever increased I’ve continually believed that creativity, originality of thinking, reading, conversation have all become stagnant, unavailable, and dim. However, I’m realizing that that is only a half truth. Reading and writing has certainly decreased and with a lack of reading in particular comes a lack of reasoning, of reflection, or thinking. However, these things have not completely left. What is more often gone is the chance to truly converse, even moreso to act.

A few weeks ago my friend Brian and I were able to actually sit and talk for hours it seemed and it was truly a meaningful night. Though our conversation had little in terms of theme or direction, it was nice to just sit and talk. As a child we often sat around the dinner table. I miss those times now with people. Life goes by so quickly that the thought of sharing a meal, or a topic, or a life is replaced by work, tasks, and chores. That night with Brian and nights with others are the times I truly cherish. Brian revealed to me just this opportunity of thinking and conversing through a website called TED. However, he’s also tempted me to waste hours listening to these talks. Yet, they’re meaningful because they interact with the very thing I miss, creativity and passion. Last night my roommate Matt and I began a design that forces us to interact with one another. Building these kinds of times into my day will hopefully continue to increase meaning. Moreso, I hope my life continues to build upon relationships, discipleship, challenge, and interaction of both mind and heart. Perhaps someday we can together be, once again, the dreamers of dreams and music makers….if only for a time.